Are you Afraid?

(re-posted from Kenton's Brasswolf Wordsmith blog, originally posted June 24, 2014)

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

• Frank Herbert, Dune

Every now and then I take a moment for myself, and think about what that word really means to me. Why bother? Well… simple. Fear has governed most of my life, and I would wager that I am far from the only one out there.

Before I explain further, I would like to point out that I am not referring to phobia. Phobia, by definition, is the irrational fear of something. The fear I am referring to is the one that masquerades as rational thought. The kind of fear that prevents you from applying for a new job because you may not feel qualified. The kind of fear that prevents you from asking out your crush. The kind of fear that keeps you from chasing your dreams.

I used to wage war within myself in order to hand over a manuscript to someone whom I knew would scrutinize it. Most often than not, my fear of rejection or failure would not even allow me to reach a finished rough draft. The scenario played out different each time, but always in afterthought, I would see the same face of my fears cackling at me from the murk of memory. I would start with what I believed to be the most powerful premise I had ever created, and I might get far into the development each time. But inevitably, the cascade of self-doubt predicated by fear of failure would tumble like the rupture of a dam, wiping out what could have been a beautiful story.

Do I know what I’m doing?

Will anyone take me seriously as a writer without some University education?

Will people even read this?

I had always considered these questions to be rational thought. I always felt justified by rationalizing myself as a failure. But why? For every project I ever did complete, I received rave reviews. Even from professionals. My writing won contests, admiration from my friends and family, and praise that I still keep to this day as a reminder. I know some of you reading this have experienced similar things. So I ask… why must we be so hard on ourselves?

I’ve been counseled on my fears many times by many different people drawing on many sources of wisdom. Christians who tell me not to be afraid, but to simply be as God intended. Buddhists who tell me fear is a natural reaction and that I must learn to feel it and let it pass. Psychologists who say fear is okay and that I must learn to embrace and understand what makes me afraid. And of course the alpha-male friends who say fear is to be rejected as a sign of weakness.

In my own search for answers, however, I found that they are all right. Only a year ago, I read my own writing in public at an Open Mic night to an audience of local authors and an independent publisher. The fear I felt was nearly paralyzing. My hands shook, my vision was blurry, and my voice cracked. Before then, I had performed as the front man in a few bands many times. I had even auditioned for Canadian Idol. But that night, standing alone in a coffee shop reading my short story to a crowd of less than fifteen people was terrifying.

But I did it. I let the Lord be my guide, I faced my fear and let it wash over me, I embraced it, and I rejected that I would ever feel that way again.

Later that week I stumbled upon an incredible passage in an art book I had. This is what it said:

“FEAR

You are probably wondering how fear would have anything to do with drawing, but it has everything to do with it. Fear kills passion. Fear is the most detrimental attribute a student could have. The greatest fear is the fear of failing which in this case is creating a “bad” drawing. Remember, if you are drawing in order to capture the humanity of the model, you will become unconcerned about your drawing. Be aware of your experience and just stay present with the model. There is no failing, only results. Be courageous and push yourself to new heights. Besides, what is going to happen if you make a “bad” decision? You will learn from it. The more results you make, the faster you will reach your destination. It is not as if we are skydiving. You will always land safely, no matter how great the risks you take. Consider yourself the Ultimate stunt person.

Pay attention to your inner dialogue. It will reveal your fears.

“Were the diver to think on the jaws of the shark he would never lay hands on the precious pearl.”

Sa’Di Gulistan

Excerpt from Force: Dynamic Life Drawing for Animators by Michael D. Mattesi, published by Focal Press

Preface, Key Concepts, pg xi

Copyright 2006”

Pay attention to your inner dialogue.

Here it was at last. The answer I had been seeking all those years, finally explained in a way that could pierce my armor of doubt and stubborn refusal to change the way I think. As soon as I turned my ear inward for answers, I started finding them. I began to realize that my fears were founded in psychological programming. A childhood filled with phrases like “telling stories and drawing pictures will never put food on the table,” and “when are you going to grow up and start thinking about your future” had conditioned me to question every whisper my muse shared with me. And discovering the source of my fear led me to learning to control it.

For me, my fear is a dark beast. Something lurking in the shadows half hidden. It is horrible, and ugly, and powerful; its voice a nerve-wracking combination of sweet melody and tortured howls. In my past, it roamed freely through my subconscious, eroding my self-esteem and obliterating hope before the seed could even germinate. It was relentless and brutal, and I was a cowering, timid, child under its control. But when my mind was finally opened, and I realized that all those years it had grown so powerful because I was feeding it… everything changed.

The timid boy unfurled. He grew to adulthood, realized his strengths, and took his first steps.

I know I can never be truly free of fear, but I have found ways to mitigate its effects and therefore reign in its devastating control on my life. I have come to acknowledge that I may be afraid, and at times those fears may become validated… but I have also reached a point where I have learned a far more important wisdom.

Afraid or not… if I never try, I will never witness the outcome.